I've been contemplating this post roughly 1 million times, but honestly haven't had the courage to actually write about it. I will give you a little background to better understand.
I am not a sickly person. I get a cold once every 2 years and the flu once every 6-8 years. So very lucky!! But since I can remember (Pre-school/kindergarten age) I have been terrified of vomit. Each passing year it's gotten a little bit worse. I can tell you every single story, in full detail, that I have witnessed vomit or vomited myself. Last time I vomited ... Friday, February 22nd, 2008. As of today it's actually been 2,000 days since I last threw up.
*The Fear*
Growing up I had a huge fear of going to church because when you attend a Catholic School, you have to attend weekly mass. Well it seemed like every other morning we had mass someone got sick. And I don't mean just leaving church because they were feeling ill, I mean full blown vomiting ALL OVER the place. One Wednesday a month the Grade School and High School would have mass together. I think the last time I attended once of those masses was in 8th grade. All throughout High School I made my mom excuse me from school for the 1st hour on those mass days. I just couldn't face it. Church felt like a trap to me, no way out. One other place that
gave gives me anxiety is planes. It's even more of a trap than church and is statistically known for people vomiting. I have flown a little over 10 times and haven't once witnessed a bad situation, but I am always convinced the next time will be the time it happens.
*The Realization*
With all of that being said, about 6 or so months ago my husband and I were laying in bed and I was panicking. I wasn't feeling good and I couldn't relax. I talked to him about how I was for sure getting the flu and it was going to be the most awful thing ever. He reassured me I wasn't. I then started telling him how many times I think about throwing up. 3-5 times ... A DAY ... Yes, it's terrible. I worry, worry, worry all the time about it. Talk about extremely unhealthy. Anyways, I told him about how I contemplate what I eat and always analyzing the way my stomach feels. I had never led on to him or anyone for that matter of just how much I thought about it. He was so sad. He had no idea that I had been keeping this in for so long. One thing he said to me was "sounds like you have a phobia, have you ever looked it up?". I am someone who looks everything up on the Internet, yet it had NEVER crossed my mind that my "weird" way of thinking would actually be something. So I grabbed my I-Pad and starting typing "fear of " and before I could even type "vomit", it was the 5th or 6th thing on the suggested list. I literally could not believe it. I clicked it and there it was "
Emetophobia". The irrational fear of vomit. BINGO. That was me. Crazy thing, it's the 5th most common phobia, but no one realy talks about it. I also found out that celebrities like Cameron Diaz and Matt Lauer suffer from it as well. The sad part is that this phobia is not 100% avoidable. Where as fears of heights, snakes and spiders can be avoided. Also even though its the 5th most common phobia, not many therapists have heard of it or treat it.
*The Journey To Overcome*
My hopes are to one day over come this phobia. How and when I am going to do that is still unknown. I have done lots of research online. One great website is
www.emetophobia.org. It's a great resource to go to when you feel like you are the only one having these absurd feelings. I am also currently reading the "Emetophobia Recovery System". It gives you lots of different tools and techniques to manage your anxiety. I will touch more on these techniques in another post. One thing I have not been successfull at is finding a therapist in my area that has a good idea about emetophobia and how to overcome it. Still looking.
I hope by sharing this part of my life it may help others as much as it will help me.
Xoxo
A
